Articles for June 2016

The Perfect Storm

Date: June 13, 2016 Author: The Fickle Matriarch Comments: Leave a reply
the perfect storm

My Family

With some help from my hubby, today is the perfect day to introduce my own personnel insane asylum inmates that are my family. The others that share my house hold today created the perfect storm; a storm that I am still unsure any of little sanity I have left remains.

My Husband, who I will call the Crazy Patriarch (or just CP for short) has the innate ability to one moment melt my heart and then within seconds make me want to complete a mortal combat finishing move on him. My son, who I will call minion, is still a toddler; a toddler with the current fascination with throwing and hitting me with almost anything within his reach. Then we have face bitter the dog; named mostly due to his habit of always showing his love by biting me on the face. Finally we have Cloak and Dagger the cats; named this mostly due to their ability to only come out of hiding to beg for food, water, or to sit on my face for attention while I am trying to sleep.
I love the fellow inmates that are my family I swear, but today I really, really, REALLY wish today was a ground hogs day plot. Not the Bill Murray ground hogs day though; more the Xena Warrior Princess version. If you don’t know how this goes, eventually, after dealing with the annoying comedic tag along shenanigans repeatedly, she finally one of the days just offs him and goes back to sleep. This is definitely how I feel right now. Hit the snooze button on this day, go back to sleep and start again maybe feeling less homicidal to my family.
Tonight, CP, after melting my heart by buying me a few gifts, mowing the lawn, and taking care of minion for me while I played with one of his gifts decides to hit the crazy button and leave me with minion who was pushing both of us to the point of breaking. Minion, in his toddler mind, decided it was the perfect time to be total chaos incarnate. CP, right after I asked him to make some food up for us, decides it was the perfect time to announce it was time to workout and go for a run. Fine, he doesn’t want to make food, but I will be damned if I don’t take advantage of him trying to escape by throwing minion at him. So I tell him to take minion on the run with him in the stroller, which, melting moment, he agreed and smiled about it. OMG, angels must be singing above me and smiling upon me at this moment. Minion is also ecstatic about going for a run… This is going great, I start day dreaming of the perfect shower I am about to take while CP and minion are gone. Even face bitter was calmly laying down at my feet showing no signs of the crazy storm that was about to hit.
The shot heard round the world that started the storm that ruined my perfect shower time was the statement from CP. “Before I take minion with me, you need to change his diaper and put on shorts on him.” For the shower I desperately wanted I would have gift wrapped minion for CP at that moment. But, here is the problem, when minion hears the word “diaper”, the fight of flight part of his little brain kicks in. He will either run, which is his usual tactic, or go into crazy mode and start throwing and hitting anyone or thing near him. He decides to do both at the same time. The Tom and Jerry match that begin between CP and minion would have been amazing for youtube. But, just like in the cartoon where the poor dog gets dragged into the fray, I got dragged in as well. The dream of the shower started fading from my mind as CP begins to yell at minion and minion starts hitting CP and myself. It ended with CP calling off the father son bonding time and he started walking out the door. OH HELL NO am I missing my shower. It was time for this asylum to go on lock down so I could have my moment of peace. You could have heard a pin drop as the end of my crazy rant finishes. CP, decides maybe he will wait till I am done with my shower before he leaves, minion does what minion does and follows me with face bitter to wait for me outside the bathroom door.
Greatest 15 minute shower of my life. All it took was a crazy bomb of my own to snuff out the crazy that was going on in my house. CP got his workout, minion was minion and I am surprised he is still alive, and face bitter decided he needed to be chained up outside by doing what he does as CP was leaving. So here is to wishing for today to start again so I can just hit snooze and sleep through the crazy that I lived through today.

How To Procrastonate

Date: June 9, 2016 Author: The Fickle Matriarch Comments: Leave a reply

How to Procrastinate:

-Wait until the last day to do what needs to be done.
-Sleep in late.
-Take several naps because you are going to need energy.
-Start your project.
-Take a break to gather your thoughts.
-Do a little more work.
-Take another break because you deserve it.
-Check the clock to find you still have a few hours which is plenty of time.
-Take a food break.
-Do something relaxing like read a book, play a video game, or check social media.
-Check the clock to see you have about an hour left.
-Finish project in a stress induced panic.
-If it is something that needs turned in do that at the very last minute.
-Whew you worked hard today so relax.

 

If you like this post please leave a comment and if there is a “How To” that you would like me to do list that in the comments as well.

My Hands

Date: June 6, 2016 Author: The Fickle Matriarch Comments: Leave a reply

My toddler has been cranky the past few days.  He fights sleep because he doesn’t want to miss anything.  There has been a lot of dust in the air and he has been a little congested.  Yesterday I finally got him to fall asleep laying on me.  As much as I wanted to cuddle as those moments are getting fewer as he ages, I had things I needed to do.  So I carried him into the bedroom and put him in bed.  A few times I heard him cough and whimper a bit in his sleep.  During one coughing fit instead of just peaking in on him like I did the other times I went into the room. He started to cry and pointed to his belly. I asked him if his stomach hurt and he shook his head yes.  I asked if he needed a drink or something to eat he said no.  Then the coughing got a little rough and I knew it was coming. Throughout my parenting experience i have used my hands for many things. In this moment I did not want a mess in my bed.  I saw his facial expression change and out came some mucus which I quickly gathered in my cupped hands, right after came everything else he had in his stomach. When my hands were full, thinking I had avoided a huge mess, I went into the bathroom to get rid of the mess and wash my hands.  In the meantime though he continued to puke. I came out to him coughing then saying “EWW” then spitting up, then repeating this vicious cycle. He was saying eww because he had puked on his foot. He kept pointing to his foot saying “EWW”. I grabbed a towel and cleaned him off and the bed, held onto him and stripped the bed sheets. After a bit he finally calmed down and I got him to go back to sleep.  When he woke back up he was fine. Stupid phlegm anyway.  But yesterday was indeed a first for my hands.  They have never before been used to catch vomit or snot for that matter and I hope they will never have that job again.  The joys of parenthood. Always keeping me on my toes.